Be Seen

MarinaAbramovic

  New Year's Resolutions can SUCK IT! Lose weight, exercise, read more... SUCK IT! I can't and I won't. Yet, I feel compelled to make some sort of change, as this is the Mack Daddy of fresh starts and new beginnings. I was at a complete state of WHATHE FRACK until I met my new best friend, Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW. Oh yeah, she's credential laden and smart; she is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. Anyone who takes the time to actually STUDY SHAME is like, one serious broad. Her 2010 TEDx Houston talk on the power of vulnerability is one of the most watched talks on TED.com, with over 6 million views. Make that 6 million and one. I find myself … [Read more...]

A Thin Mint

creosote

Anybody feeling SUPER DISGUSTING and full of regret today? Show of hands? Oh LORD GOD ABOVE, what have I done to myself? Clothes that fit a mere 24 hours ago are on me like sausage casing. If I don't pop a button today, tomorrow I will EAT A BUTTON. EAT A BUTTON! My ribcage is PRESSING against the vest I am stuffed into, and my belches are non-stop and disgusting.  DIS. GUST. ING. Just call me Mr. Creosote. Mr. Creosote is the dude that EXPLODES after just a tiny Thin Mint in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life . After some light prodding from the maitre'd, it is a thin mint that sends "Mr.C" over the edge. Just an after-dinner mint, wafer thin, capping off his Bacchanal is enough to make him first, inflate like a giant zeppelin in a tux, and then KAPOW! It's absolutely disgusting. I … [Read more...]

Getting to Know You

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  Hey, don't I know you? You hear that time and again. Someone looks just like  a person you used to know, hey- they even talk like them! Same eyes...it has to be them, right? But it's not. Look closer. Something is missing; the part that made them, well, THEM is gone. Funny thought, I could have sworn... Sometimes people change so much that, even though you KNOW it's them, eerily, it just isn't the same. Heading into the most wonderful time of the year puts us face to face with not only our close friends and relatives, but also how life can often take its toll on them. It can be subtle, or it can be as jarring as a horror movie, and your friends and relatives are the stars! An episode of The Twilight Zone written by Rod Serling especially for YOU! Allow me to be less vague … [Read more...]

Gimme a Break!

nell_carter

Finally, here's that Nell Carter entry that you've been praying for! Did you know that THE Nell Carter held my very own Eric, my betrothed, in a headlock between her legs once? AND UNDER HER SKIRT YET! YES. This is a true story, and in telling it the other night, I couldn't help but think of what a great opener that is; hey, did I tell you about the time my husband was under Nell Carter's skirt pretending to lick her thigh? Beguiling, no? I'll say no more. That's not the point of this particular blog entry, but I've got you now, so... GIMME A BREAK! January is not far away. We are only human and we need to give ourselves a BREAK! My friend Kelly said this to me today. Somewhere, a choir of angelic voices began to sing. Did I tell you that I ran out of gas the other day, and had to … [Read more...]

The Best Gift

Tanta_Kringle

Something really profound happened, just the other day, right in my office doorway. My friend and colleague Dana said to me "hey, I read your blog about how you feel nothing, and I know why." First of all, ya gotta love that- it makes you feel all warm inside. "Hey, are you the empty shell of a man who feels nothing at holiday time?" That's ME! Blinded by the excitement of realizing that Dana actually READS MY BLOG (I get so excited when I find that out!) I forgot that she had solved the mystery of why I was feeling nothing. I have been letting "The Nothing" eat me, as my friend Annie pointed out. She reminded me that "if you don't let yourself find your lowest point, how in the hell will you appreciate when you are happy?" She continued that I have "become a man obsessed with an … [Read more...]

Nothing

12gold600

I love A Chorus Line! It may very well be my favorite musical of ALL TIME, if indeed I could pick one. AS IF! When I see it, and OH have I seen it, I can relate to these plucky kids in a way that I cannot explain. I cry a lot during A Chorus Line, and get all crazy during the finale. CRAZY FOR THE WHOLE SHOW, that's what I am, and I feel that different parts of my life have been represented in many of songs. At The Ballet...that's so ME! Dance Ten, Looks Three...that represents that whole "tits and ass phase" I went through. Just kidding. SHIT RICHIE, even when I hear ONE, I get peripatetic, poetic, and CHIC! I mean, I used to, but not lately. I'm no jauntily sauntering, ambling shambler. No. Not at this juncture. I started this off all nicey nice, but I have to tell you; seems no matter … [Read more...]

Good Old Days

allinthefamily

I'm going to sound EXACTLY like my mother right now, but I don't care. Live every day as if it were your last! EVERY DAY! LAST! BWAAAAAAA! This may not be an intricate masterwork in my blog canon, or even a shred humorous, but...oh, just listen to this song. It's Pink!'s Good Old Days. These are the good old days. Right now. Archie and Edith had it wrong. THESE are the days.We have to take this time to tell people thank you, tell them we are sorry, let them know that we forgive them, or them just how much we love them. Time goes by so fast, and "the now" becomes "the then" so rapidly, that we wish we could stay in those moments for just one more day. We can't. Our quality of life can change in an INSTANT. A FUCKING INSTANT. So take the time to breathe in deeply and take it all … [Read more...]

Circle-Vision 360°

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Lately, I cannot walk five feet without someone coming up to me and pleading to know what I think of the new WeightWatchers360° program. What's changed? Will it work for me? DO YOU LOVE IT SHAUN, TELL US!? They BEG! In truth, no one gives fuckall what I think about WeightWatchers360°, but I'm 'bout to tell you all the same, as if you begged to get just a peek into my psyche. First of all, I LOVE the 360°. It's so dumb, and super strange to tack that oft misused degree of full circledom to our beloved Weight Watchers. What marketing genius was behind THIS nom de changement?! When people say "he did a REAL 360°" I can't help but chortle. Poor chump, right back where he started! When I think back at the long gone attractions from the Walt Disney World of my boyhood, I remember being the … [Read more...]

All Dressed in Love

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Oooh, my wife gon' think I'm good, she gon' think I'm REAL good! That present is all dressed up in LOVE now! After spending hours wrapping presents at the giant wrapping booth we have set up at the local mall, our yearly fundraiser at work, I look up to see Larry. Larry is middle-aged, handsome, and has a sparkle in his eye. "Please wrap this up for my wife. It's for her." He almost seemed nervous, as if she was lurking somewhere around the corner about to bust him with his prize. This was impossible, as Larry explained that his wife is in stage four breast cancer and this iPad was all set up for her. "See, I had the man fix is so all she has to do is press the screen with one finger now, and it's all there for her. All of it, right there for her. Wait now, I have her picture. … [Read more...]

Hard Candy Christmas

dolly1

OHFORTHELOVEOFALLTHATISHOLY! Let's start this shit off right...here goes: Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair. Maybe I'll move somewhere; maybe I'll clear my junk or maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine. Either way, I'll be just fine. Now, these are the musings of a 1980's whorehouse dolly, not mine. They ARE however representative of the attitude I want to have during this, the most glittering and stressful season of the year. Dating from the 1850s- it was also a common phrase during the Civil War, World War 1, and The Great Depression- a Hard Candy Christmas is when you're just so goddamn poor that all you can afford is, well, a bag of hard candy. Quelle TREAT!  It was, mayhaps, the ONLY time of the year the family could splurge on something like candy. See, a hard candy … [Read more...]